Happy

It does not take much to make me feel happy; a small kindness here or there, a tiny reminder that my company is desired, an acknowledgment that my thoughts and ideas matter. I was trained for years to set expectations low and be content if peacefulness is accomplished. Phenomenal elation and exquisite pleasure weren't high priorities or even likely possibilities. So I am easily pleased by simple things.
Conversely, I am quickly disappointed by the smallest slight. A too-short smile, an abbreviated attention to things, a missing focus on my needs. Daily life can lead to a massive heaving from high to low. Desperately, I attempt to strike a balance between. The mediocrity of not really feeling, in full, the emotions that each day brings.
But I wobble, ever so slightly, back and forth, up and down.

And so the slightest thing can make me smile...or cry.

Crazy

Sometimes I believe we are all a bit crazy, myself especially. I wake up every morning and repeat a cycle of safe choices or terrible errors, expecting each day to end differently. Outwardly, my life seems normal, safe even. But is anything ever what it appears to be? What is wrong with getting a little wild sometimes? Is it so bad to actually live life instead of just repeating the same safe motions again and again?
I admit I tend to think outside the box, but sometimes the box is so mundane, so ordinary. As a child, I longed for that kind of everyday normalcy. As a teen, I enveloped myself in rebellious individuality. As an adult, well, I am not really sure what I want. I know I want to wrap myself in people who are kind and caring, interesting and uplifting. I long for it, really. But I also crave the titillation of maximizing the potential happiness of each moment. Taking a risk to fulfill a desire. So many people take the safe road through life. I never really have. More often than not, that road has led to great disappointment or caused me enormous shame. Once in every great while, though, it leads me to something deeply emotional and brings pleasure beyond imagine.
So, which road to follow today? The path of safety and predictable consequences? The one of normalcy I longed for as a child?
Or follow the path of the minute? One that is littered with unpredictability?
I have always been a little bit crazy....